Im 34y/o, separated for 2 yrs and my anulment is already in process. my problem is my family does not want me to have another relationship bec they want me to remain single and just take care of my daughter for the rest of my life but i'm deeply in love with someone right now and we decided to keep our relationship secret bec of that. its frustrating to have a secret reltionship bec we cant go out in the open which we both dream of doing. i have no doubt about his love he wants 2 marry me as soon as the legal matters are resolved. what should i do? im so depressed!
I feel for you and the situation that you are presently in. It's really hard to love someone but you can't really go out in the open. What's even odd is that, it is your own family who forbids you to fall in love. However, if you keep the relationship a secret they will find it out soon. It is just a matter of time as to when they would know the truth. I wonder what would be their reason for stopping you to get yourself involved with another man the second time around. There must be something logical about and that you haven't mentioned on your story.
anyhow, did you even try or attempted to make them understand that you are a consenting adult who can make decisions for yourself on your own. That even if you get yourself involved with a man, you will still remain a responsible and loving mother to your daughter and nothing will ever come your way to change that. Because I can sense that this what they might be fearing the most, that if you got yourself enamored with another man, you might neglect your daughter on the side. Make them realize that it is not going to happen. And when you talk to them about these things, make it sure that you really mean it. You have to mean it. Because right now, you are not just to consider your own happiness but alongside every decision you will make in your life you will need to take into account your daughter and her welfare.
I wish you well and hopefully you will be enlightened on things about your life. To love somebody is not wrong, but make it sure that you also use your head and not just your heart.
Sorry I didn't respond sooner. I try to hit every thread within a few days. For some reason, I didn't see your thread until Kendal bumped it up to the top of the list.
Kendal makes a great point. What is the reason behind your parents not wanting you to get involved with another man?
That question got me thinking. You said they just want you to take care of your daughter for the rest of your life. Is that really true or do they just want you to have some time to be single before getting involved with someone else? They have to realize that your daughter will probably be an adult by the time you're 50. Once she's grown, has a job, and maybe even gets married, you won't need to take care of her as much. Hell, by the time she's 12 or 13 you won't need to really take care of her as much. She'll need guidance, support, love, and necessities, but she'll be pretty self-sufficient by the time he becomes a teenager. So, what I'm saying is that your parents must realize that you can't stay single and alone forever because of your daughter. Your daughter will grow up and move on. I'm guessing your parents just want you to take things a little slower for awhile before getting into another relationship. Not because they're overbearing jerks, but because it's the wise thing to do.
Google marriage statistics. 93% of people who cheat on a spouse, get divorced, and then remarry get divorced from the second person they marry. For people who weren't cheaters... 89% of people who get married within one year of a divorce end up getting divorced again. 79% of people who get married within 2 years of a divorce get divorced again. That number stays pretty high until 5 years after a divorce. Then, it drops down to 62%. 10 years after a divorce, it drops down to 45%. Basically, statistics are working against you here, so you'd better be damn sure this guy is really as wonderful as you think he is.
If you think about it from a different perspective though, getting re-married again might be the best way for you to take care of your daughter. If you meet a man who has a good job, his added income could provide more opportunities for your daughter. I don't know your financial situation, but being a single mom can be tough in many different ways. Quite often, money is a big issue. Of course, you can't just marry a guy because he loves you and he makes good money. He needs to love your daughter too.
On a totally different note, you're getting a divorce. You say you love this new guy you're with and he loves you, but is that true? You were obviously unhappy in your marriage, so could it be possible that this guy just makes you less unhappy? That might feel like love because it's not the unhappiness you felt in your marriage, but it could just be temporary.
A couple thoughts come to mind. How long have you known this guy? Have you really known him long enough to make the decision to marry him? I get the fact that you're 34 and you don't want to end up being an old spinster, but just make sure that you really love this man and you really know him. Quite honestly, if you've known him long enough to truly believe he's marriage-worthy and you truly love him, you wouldn't be afraid of telling your parents. If he was as wonderful as you think he is, your parents should be proud to have him in your life to help you emotionally, support you financially, help raise your child with good morals and values, etc. If he's a spectacular as you say he is, you wouldn't be hiding him no matter what your parents said simply because he would be "good enough" to change their minds in a heartbeat.
In the end, I guess all I can say is that "secret love" is a disaster waiting to happen. If a man is willing to marry you, he should have the guts to not fear your parents. If you truly love a man and believe he can be a wonderful husband and good provider, you have no reason to fear your parents. My guess is that you have some doubts about whether or not your parents will accept him because he's not "the best" you can do. Personally, I think you're "settling" for this guy not because he's the best, but simply because he's better than your husband and you're not constantly unhappy.
Really think about what's going on because you're not just making decisions for yourself. Your decision will affect you and your daughter for years to come.
Good luck! Please feel free to come back and update us on the situation whenever you get a chance!
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