One Great Love

My Derek,

I am writing to say goodbye. Goodbye for now, not for forever. I am fairly sure our paths will continue to meet. Maybe someday I’ll be more mature and better prepared for whatever comes my way, but I cannot anymore handle the pain you have unknowingly caused me these past few days.

Don’t get me wrong. You have made me very happy just by sharing yourself and your life with me. The memories will stay in my heart forever. From the time we first started going out until now, you have unfailingly shown me how it is to be really cared for and cherished. At the same time you have managed to keep my feet on the ground, always reminding me that my life is my own and no one else’s. I thank you for that. You taught me how fully comprehend what real love is like without even telling me you loved me. Just by showing me in your own way, you made me see how two incompatible persons can actually become real friends and true partners.

We have laughed together. Whenever I needed your comfort and strength, your level-headedness and rationality, you were always there for me. Our relationship has gone through a lot of things ranging from the serious (“I hate to admit it to you outright but for me you are my boyfriend.”) to the stupid and we were able to weather the storms together, you and I mainly because we knew how to properly steer the relationship back to its proper course.

I guess the only thing that went wrong is my falling in love with you and the accompanying issues of where this relationship is really headed and the roles we will actually play in each other’s lives. I know you will never fully commit yourself to any one women-knowing you, I’m sure of that.

No one is to blame. Not you, nor me, nor whoever else is sharing you with me…maybe I’m just a victim of circumstance like you. And since the circumstances surrounding our relationship have changed, I don’t anymore know if I can handle things the same way I’ve handled them before. Your presence and your help will not matter. Seeing you and being with you when we spend time together gives me a certain kind of happiness only you can give. But every time you leave me, my heart breaks, knowing for certain that you have to attend to the needs of the others who need you too like me.

I am hurting and I have to heal my wounds alone. I cannot do this with you in my life, because every time you leave me, the pain recurs.

I will miss you. I will miss you very, very, very much. But contrary to what I used to believe, I’m not as tough as I thought I would be. I try so hard to be strong, to think that your other relationships do not matter, but they do matter…a lot. So I have to let you go now.

I do not want to do this-but I must. Call it false bravado on my part. I know I’ll be hurting myself more by saying goodbye to you now, but I am unable to continue as if things haven’t changed.

You told me time and again to expect the worse, or assume the worst, so that when the time comes I’ll be ready. But the expectations and assumptions do not compare to reality. No matter how I tried to accept things as they were, no matter how much I tried to prepare myself, finding out about the actual existence of your other woman has hurt me so much. Maybe I was in denial, or maybe I was just trying so hard to believe that I was brave and strong, that whatever happened, I would be able to fully handle the truth when it dawned on me. Unfortunately that wasn’t what happened for real.

I love you so much it hurts to say goodbye. But I am ashamed to admit that no matter how much I love you, no matter how deep my feelings already are for you, I cannot stay in the relationship anymore and fight for you, for us. What is there to fight for? My love for you, which you do not want to acknowledge? A future with you which looks very uncertain at this time? It is difficult to stay and fight when you do not know what it is you’re fighting for.

Maybe I did unconsciously change the rules in the middle of the relationship. I know and I acknowledge that I am fully to blame for everything. I was forewarned, I knew what I was getting myself into. But as the months passed, maybe the attachment grew stronger. My appreciation of your companionship bred feelings and thoughts that couldn’t control and are now the cause of this pain. I thought you could shelter me forever—-that you would be careful that I wouldn’t get hurt. But carelessness on your end, and too much snooping at my end to be lethal.

I know it’s very difficult, considering everything that’s been said and done, which is why I appreciate you all the more. Your constant remark about things not having changed between us? In fairness to you, I admit that’s true. Things haven’t changed in our relationship at all. The caring, our mutual respect for each other, helping each other out and being there for each other….nothing has changed. And I know that if I decide to stay in relationship, nothing will change and things will go on as they have before.

But I have changed. I am hurting and I wasn’t hurting before. I am becoming more critical of you and the things that you do and do not do. I expect you to make up for everything that has happened because I still believe that given the fact that we have been in our relationship longer, I will come first. I will be given more attention. I will be the “primus inter pares’—the first among equals. I even harbor the hope that you will try to court me and win me back fully, something which I know will never happen.

You will forever be a part of my life, thank you for making me a part of yours. I will always remember you and the past months with a smile and with wistfulness for being the one responsible for throwing it all away… but I have to go now. I am afraid that if I stay, something will be destroyed—either be part of you, a part of me, our friendship or the relationship itself. I don’t really know. At least by leaving now, I am sure that everything remains intact, the relationship beautiful untouched unmarred by jealousy and hatred we both don’t deserve a relationship that would always be fraught with questions and conditions. I am unable to see myself as a true-blue kept woman anyway.

I know this is not the end of everything. It is actually a new beginning, hopefully of a better, more beautiful friendship. But I have to do this, to say goodbye to you properly. I need closure to move on. And I realize I have to move on.

I cannot hold on to something I don’t believe in anymore. I would have been really nice to grow old with you…to laugh with you while reminiscing about the days that have passed…to share with you my whole life, and I would share with you yours…but I guess now is not right time for us, or maybe we’re just not meant to be really together, now or forever, I don’t really know. You deserve someone who will fully understand your needs and your personality, I guess I deserve someone who will love me like you have done…it’s painful to say goodbye but even more painful to stay. Please understand that I have to do this somehow.

Love you very, very much. I don’t want to leave just yet, but if I don’t do it now, I know I will never be strong enough to ever do it at all. Thank you very much for always being there for me when I needed you most. Thank you for sharing yourself with me.

In fact, my life will never be the same without you.

You have been the love of my life without me expecting it. Maybe when our paths meet again, we would both be ready for whatever it is that we were really meant to be…friends, lovers,…we’ll see….only time will tell……

Goodluck and God Bless..

Liezl

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