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  Author    I need some advice  (currently 501 views)
impiper
Posted on: January 15th, 2007, 5:07pm Quote Report to Moderator
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I really hope you all can help me with some good advice.  Here is my newly discovered situation.  
I have been with my boyfriend for about 5 months.  When we met he had just recently decided to leave his wife of just over a year.  It took me awhile to get past this, but we are deeply in love and want nothing but to be together and start a family someday.  I am going to college right now and plan on going to Grad school next year, and he is supportive of this, even though we have had to have a long distance relationship since the start.  
He is planning on getting a divorce as soon as he saves up enough money, and he has lareyad moved out, and she knows that he is not coming back and that they are getting divorced.  He promised me he hadnt "been" with his wife in months before we met.  I got a call today informing me that his wife is pregnant.  She says that she is about 3 and a half months pregnant.  He swears that he doesnt remember ever having sex with her, but this means that we were already together when he allegedly did have sex with her.  He worries that he may have been completely wasted and thats the only way he would have had sex with her, or else she is lying.  She told him that she hasnt been with anyone else.
Nobody else knows yet, but I dont know what to do.  I love him with all my heart and want to marry him and start a family, but now i dont know what to do.  Would it be wrong for me to stay with him even though he is about to have a baby with a woman he never wanted kids with?  I am at a complete loss, i dont know if i should stay with him or not.  Leaving him would be the hardest thing i would ever do, and i would definitely go into a deep depression and would affect my school work, but would it be the best choice?

I just hope someone out there has some comforting words of advice for me. please let me know what you all think i should do.
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Illustrator Vir
Posted on: January 15th, 2007, 5:31pm Quote Report to Moderator
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Greetings Impiper,

This is a gray area situation and heres why. Someone is lieing. Its obviously hard for me to pin-point who. But I have a few things to consider.

-If he got so wasted as to not remember who he slept with, what does that tell you about him?

-Say the child IS his, would you be willing to work through it?

-Can you REALLY say you want to marry someone after dating for 5 months?

-Did he call you telling you his wife is pregnant? Or what it someone else? If it was himself, then this shows a bit of courage, being able to come out like that and tell you now knowing exactly how you are going to react.

Let me know how it goes.

Brian Breeden
History Student
breedenb@gmail.com
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Myzyri
Posted on: January 15th, 2007, 6:53pm Quote Report to Moderator
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I don't see this as a "gray area."

Getting involved with someone who is seaparated, planning a divorce, or going through a divorce is always a horrible idea.

It's even worse when you meet someone who says they're waiting because they can't afford to get divorced.  You get divorced, and then you pay the bills.  He's using this as an excuse.

The people in these situations are always emotional freaks.  

Until he's completely done with his wife, he's never going to give you his full attention.  He's always going to have some ties to her and now, with a baby on the way, those ties just became eternal.  Without kids, you can divorce, move on, and never speak or see each other again.  With a kid, he's going to be bound to his ex forever because they'll need to discuss parental issues and they'll have to still work together as parents.  Additionally, he (and you) will have to see her at school functions, graduations, maybe birthday parties, etc.  

Now, let's talk about the baby some more.  Nothing you said really made me think he denied that it was his kid.  He seems to have accepted the possibility to easily.  But an even bigger issue (stemming from that last thought) is that he wasn't drunk when he went over there and boned her.  I can almost guarantee that.  Whenever anything "unwanted" happens with regard to sex, EVERYONE claims to have been drunk.  

"Dude!  You screwed that fat nasty chick?!"
"Yeah, I was drunk."

"I can't believe you cheated on me!"
"I'm sorry.  It didn't mean anything.  I was drunk!"

"I got her pregnant."
"I was so drunk that I forgot to wear a rubber."

Anyway, what's his feeling about drinking and driving?  Did he get drunk and drive over there that night?  So, is he a degenerate alcoholic who gets behind the wheel and endangers the lives of everyone else on the road OR did he go over there and get drunk while he was there?  In either case, it makes him a scumbag with regard to his level of respect for you.

Vir made some very good points, too.  Let me expand upon them...

- If he got so wasted as to not remember who he slept with, what does that tell you about him?

The main thing it tells ME is that he doesn't respect or love you as much as you think.  If I was seeing someone, no matter how drunk I've been, I've never once forgotten that I was already attached.  Simply, anyone with any sense of loyalty, compassion, or responsibility would NOT forget that he's got a girlfriend.  And if you believe him and you let him get away with this, get ready for a lifetime of bullsh*t excuses from him whenever he cheats on you or does you wrong.  Going back to his sense of loyalty, it's entirely possible that his loyalty still lies with his wife and that's why you're being treated with such disrespect.

-Say the child IS his, would you be willing to work through it?

I can't answer this for you, but you have to keep in mind everything I mentioned above.  His ex-wfe (if he ever leaves her and marries you) will not only be his "ex-wife," she'll be your ex-wife too in a sense.  You'll always play second fiddle in parenting, she's always going to trump you on parental decisions, you're going to have to be involved with her on certain occasions, and as the child grows up, you may be faced with some pretty emotional "You're not my mommy" issues.  Plus, depending on what the child's mother says to the kid about you, it could cause more trouble.  What could she say?  Maybe something like, "We would have been a family, but your step-mother stole your dad away from me.  We were trying to work things out, but I never got the chance because of HER!"  Whether it's true or not, something like that will turn you into that kid's arche enemy.  It'll eventually pass, but there'll be some hard times.

-Can you REALLY say you want to marry someone after dating for 5 months?

This is a fantastic point.  I find it hard to believe that you want to marry him considering the mind games and excuses he subjects you to.  Furthermore, the total lack of respect he shows you astounds me.  It makes me think that you're either outrageously naive or you're getting older and just desperately seeking a solid relationship.  "Marriage" does not equal a "solid relationship."  (His current situation proves that.)  However, a solid relationship often equals marriage.  I wouldn't call your current relationship very solid.  There are obvious trust issues, there are fidelity issues, and there's a problem with distance.  You don't see him often so your real "dating" is severely limited.  What you call 5 months is what most people call two or three weeks worth of real one-on-one dates.  If you are REALLY contemplating marriage at this point, then you need to step back from this situation and get some perspective.  Mariage is not a decision (or step) to be made lightly.

One last thought.  You mentioned a long distance relationship with this guy.  How sure are you that he moved out?  Is he just stringing you along?  (That's usually the case when someone uses the "I can't afford to get a divorce" excuse.)  Long distance makes it easier for him to cheat without you ever finding out about it.  Of course, this "last thought" of mine is just icing on a foul cake.

Overall, you're going to college and then you plan to go to graduate school.  THAT is what you need to focus on for now.  You're going to meet a lot of people in the coming years and hopefully you can find someone closer to home and someone who will respect you and love you instead of cheat on you, manipulate you, and cause you this much distress in only five months of dating.

In conclusion, you need to get rid of this guy and find someone who is truly available for you and someone who will love you and respect you without all this background drama.
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stju1970
Posted on: January 16th, 2007, 7:03am Quote Report to Moderator
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I think he is playing you. He offered you nothing but promises. However, while he said he left his wife a year ago, tell him to show you the divorced decree. Otherwise, don't believe a single thing. Who know? IMO, his ex-wife's pregnant is his child. Go tell him to do a blood test to determine who is the child belong to. This way, you know for sure whether is your bf's child or someone else child. From what you said about your situation, I have doubt about your bf side of the story.

In any case, stop all the future with him until he showed evidences of everything that I point out.

GLTY!
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impiper
Posted on: January 17th, 2007, 9:36pm Quote Report to Moderator
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Just an update for you all about the situation as I am finding out more and more....

My bf and his wife have agreed on joint custody and she is still fine with getting a divorce.  And she admitted that she drugged him and had sex with him, thats why he doesn't remember.  She has done it at least 3 times.  

I feel better knowing that he didnt do it on purpose, and understand why he doesnt remember, but what kind of person can drug someone like that?  I jsut dont understand, and am still confused and don't know what to do....
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Illustrator Vir
Posted on: January 17th, 2007, 10:16pm Quote Report to Moderator
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This sounds like a script from a soap opera during day time TV. So...wait wait wait, she DRUGGED him, for SEX?! These are the kind of stories you don't see... period. How odd, however looks like it worked out for you. Glad to see it worked.

Brian Breeden
History Student
breedenb@gmail.com
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stju1970
Posted on: January 18th, 2007, 1:59am Quote Report to Moderator
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She drugs him. LMAO! Come on, do you really believe his b/s? I think you should move on and find someone who has no baggages. He is feeding you some shitts. Wake up, and stop be so dam naive!!!!!!!!!
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