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  Author    Illustrator's FAQ to Dating/Friendship/Relations  (currently 269 views)
Illustrator Vir
Posted on: February 14th, 2007, 4:20am Quote Report to Moderator
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Gender: Male
Posts: 238
Table of Contents


1. About the Author
2. Breaking the Ice
3. Dating
4. Friends or More?
5. Relationships
6. Long Distance Relationships/Online Dating
7. Common Relationship Questions
8. Misc.


1. About the Author
My name is Brian or as many of you know me as, Illustrator Vir, or Vir for short. I am 20 years old and I am a local college student. I work part time in a Bowling Ally Pro Shop, which I love, I enjoy the game and I enjoy the sport. Now, you might be asking yourself, what does this YOUNG bowling ally junkie know about relationships and such? Well, hear me out.

Now, this lengthy thread is by no stretch of the imagination is absolutely correct in all aspects. It is simply my opinion and advice based on my personal experiences along with others who have been so gracious as to share their experiences with me (all of you on the forums)

This article is not meant to be a guide or a bible by any lengths, but just some general things to keep in mind. Doesn’t matter if you are a full time forums troll or a new comer I will always offer my advice and help whenever you request for it.

Over the past few months of posting and meeting new people I thought maybe the forums could use a post like this. One thread with all aspects covered for others to chime in their opinions and before you know it you have a lengthy thread of advice. That is my goal.

Also remember, this is from a guys point of view, so I am speaking of “Her” if you are a lady and reading this, just change the hypothetical situations to “Him” =)

2. Breaking the Ice
One of the most difficult things when it comes to starting a friendship is actually breaking the ice. It’s like starting that college essay, its only difficult to start then after that it just flows, this is a lot of the same thing.

The main point here to keep in mind is to be you. If it is someone you have never met before, you should start by introducing yourself and finding out their name. Then make a general comment or question, maybe about the Super Bowl, Music, Grammy’s, American Idol even. Just something to get a general conversation started.

Don’t be afraid to ask questions. When I say questions, I don’t mean personal-life-story type of questions. What I mean is, general things so you actually LEARN about the person you are trying to meet.

Good Examples
What is your favorite football team?
Are you from around here? If not, where are you from?
Are you an only child?
What is your favorite (insert noun here, food, music, class, etc.)

Bad Examples
Do you like one night stands?
Are THOSE real?
Were you always this fat?

Sure some of those examples are extreme but believe me, I have heard worse. That’s a good thing about working a high volume traffic area of people (such as a bowling ally), its great for networking and meeting people. For some of the stories I have heard, you would be quite surprised.

3. Dating

I use the term dating very loosely. In grade school, the term dating means your seeing or otherwise attached to one person, that’s not what I mean here. I mean, asking your cute co-worker to take part in a Cinematic Adventure with you, or perhaps enchanting your best friend’s sister’s friend with a challenging game of air hockey at your local arcade, etc.

Not all dates have to be candle lit dinners for two at the most expensive and romantic places in town. Not only is that giving the wrong impression to quickly, you will run out of money by your third date.

Also keep in mind, your first date is not always intended to get your lady in the dark to lock lips either. I like the first date to be something casual where you do more communicating then making out. Sure, a few tender moments are ok, but lets not go to the back row of the movie theater just yet.

Like I said before, the point of the first date (in my opinion) is to learn something about the person. You will not learn anything from a person in a movie theater, not only do you not talk to each other, the only thing you will learn is how far will she go with a complete stranger. Might I suggest a few other alternatives?

Good Ideas
Putt-Putt (who DOESN’T like putt putt?)
Casual Lunch/Dinner
Walk in the Park
Go to a playground
Arcade
Mall/Shopping Centers
Dancing/Club

Bad Ideas
Movie Theater (unless its after one of the previously mentioned)
Your Apartment
Your Bedroom
Anyplace dark and suggestive

My point here is to take her to a place where you can have fun without any pressure of doing something she wouldn’t like. A movie theater might have cut it in high school, but I have found that its not a good place for a first date unless you do a dinner/movie combo which is good. Nothing says romantic AND casual like a walk in the park in the early evening. Make it someplace you can both agree on and can both pay your ends of the tab. After all, it’s the first date, lets save yourself some money in case it doesn’t go as planned.

Signs a Date is Going Well
She is getting closer… closer…
Hand Holding
Laughter
Playful Hitting
Talk of a Second Date
Kiss Goodnight
Phone Number Exchange

Signs its not… going so well
Awkward Silences
Consistently looking the other way
Showing little interest
Keeping obvious distance
Answers or talks on a cell phone

Few more pointers for that first date:

    [*Do not talk/answer a phone call. Your there to spend time together, you can call them back]
    [*Keep conversations off the bat casual and interesting]
    [*Do not go into a date expecting sex, makes you look stupid and you still won’t get laid]
    [*Do not make her uncomfortable with sudden advances. Sure, try to make a move for a small kiss, but if she turns away, let it go.]


4. Friends or More?

Ah, the common grey area for most people. After a seemingly successful date, are we friends? Should I call her? Does she like me? What should I do? Whoa, easy there tiger, we can work through this, just breathe.

This can be as simple as your mind will let you. If you got a phone number from the said first date, then give her a call and see what is up. See if she would like to go out again, find out if she had a good time. Or, you can just ask, where do we stand? Could you see yourself going out with me again? This should answer any uncertainties you might have.

The main concept here is communication. If you think on it too much, it will drive you insane. The best thing for you to do is to simply talk to her. Find out how the date went from her perspective and if you get a second date, congratulations! This many times means she has a genuine interest in you and now all you have to do is be yourself and your golden!

Also keep in mind, if she didn’t enjoy herself or doesn’t want to go out again, do not hold anything personal against her. Maybe she missed that putt to win the game, or maybe she just doesn’t like you. Do not keep pushing yourself on her and give her the space she wants and move on. If you give yourself a bad name to her, it might come back to bite you. She has friends and you might one day run into them, and if you kept it casual to where your both still friends, she will say good things about you and you might get a chance where if you acted otherwise, would not have.

5. Relationships

So you have had some very successful dates and you’re ready to try for a relationship. Well first things first, you need to make sure she feels the same feelings to you. If you can’t guess, a relationship can’t survive with only one party. So, how do you bring this up? Well, you could simply ask, “Could you see yourself in a relationship with me?” and take it from there.

This topic is hard to be general one, because just about every romantic relationship out there is different, but here are few things to keep in mind.


    [*Communication is KEY]
    [*Include her in your life, talk to her about what goes on, that’s what it is all about]
    [*Communication]
    [*Communication]
    [*Did I mention Communication?]
    [*Establish Trust]


That last one is a biggie for me. For both you and your little sweetie you need to have trust. If you feel you cannot trust her, for whatever reason, then the relationship will be crap, plain and simple. You will always find yourself wondering, what if? Who was that guy she was with? You will become paranoid and it will drive you insane.

By the same token, take her feelings into considerations when it comes to your female friends. If she asks you to spend less time with them and more with her, respect that. Always think of it in the opposite fashion. What if SHE was spending more time with HER guy friends then with you? Wouldn’t you want her to spend time with you? Of course you would.

Communication is also a very big key. Without communication you will build mistrust and it will be just plain boring. Let her in on your life and she will let you in on hers. If you share experiences then the communication should never die out.

6. Distance Relationships/Online Dating

I personally have had very little success with this. It is not personal and is in many cases, just down right dangerous. However I thought I would make a section for it, since I have given it a try and maybe I could share some of my experiences with you.

With the thousands of Dating Services online and large communities such as Myspace dating has never been easier, right? Maybe. Many online dating services require monthly memberships, and like most of you guys out there, I am in no hurry to give someone money to hook me up. However if you are willing to give up money for love, then feel free to give it a try, just remember to be safe when it comes to actually meeting the person (LADIES especially). Take a friend with you when you go to meet them.

In order for a long distance relationship to work you must have a large sum of trust. You will not see her every day, you in all honesty have no idea what could be going on, same with her seeing you. You need to stay loyal to that person and have discipline. Many long distance relationships fail because you actually meet someone closer, which is why I do not always support Distance Relationships, however there are always success stories, so there you have it.

7. Common Relationship Questions

Though out the past few months I have shared many adventures with many different people throughout the forums and through my travels I have seen a lot of common questions and concerns when its comes to their relationships and friendships. I have stated my opinion on each of these threads respectively, but I thought ill put them here as well in case you need a reminder. =)

We have been dating for X months, now he/she isn’t talking to me, or we are having trouble getting a hold of each other, what should I do?
As much as you don’t want to hear it, if you have been dating for a long period of time and “all of a sudden” you aren’t talking like you used to, there is a distraction in the relationship. This could be but isn’t limited to, a 3rd party you or your partner are interested in, bad time of year (death in the family perhaps), bad anniversary of some sort or maybe you just screwed up. Either way there is a problem here. You need to talk this out with your partner to try to resolve this. Communication is key, this situation is no different.

I think my partner is cheating on me… what do I do now?
If you have suspicions of someone cheating on you then unfortunately you need to start doing some snooping. If it is something as simple as a trust issue, that’s one thing however if you are sure there is foul play then you need to find yourself answers. If that means a simple sit down, fine, if you need to ask where she/he goes, do it. Once you’re sure you know what is going on, you need to confront them. Confrontation unfortunately in this kind of situation is one of the only ways to find the truth. If it is confirmed that he/she is cheating on you, as hard as it is, step away from the relationship. If it happened once, it can happen again.

He/She hit me, but they said they are sorry, is everything ok now?
NO! Violent actions in a relationship are unforgivable. If it happens once, it will happen again if tempters and tensions are formed. One thing can lead to another and you can be seriously hurt or worse… You need to get out of an abusive relationship as soon as possible. If you need to consult with friends if you need to, but get out any way you can. I have heard too many horror stories of abusive relationships, get out now!

There is this girl I like… how do I tell her?
Simple, you go up and you talk to her. In these kind of situations you need to swallow your pride and take a chance. What have you lost if she says she doesn’t feel the same way? Nothing really from where you started. But in all reality you have everything to gain. Be ready to take one for the team, for this risk, you could be rewarded with the girl of your dreams. Go get em!

I have this friend, I think I am falling in love with him/her…
Just like above, you need to talk to them about it. However I will advise a word of caution. If you try to advance in a romantic sense there is possibility it could ruin/destroy the friendship in the process. Some people get uncomfortable when they find out their best friend of a very long time wants to sleep with them. You have to weight the pros and cons within yourself then make a decision based on that.

I like this guy, im 16 and he is 45, is that a problem?
Alright, so no that extreme, but you get the idea. I have always been against dating anyone older then you, when you are not even 18 yet. Once you turn 18 things begin to change a little bit. But I still would not go out with anyone 2-4 years older then me regardless unless there was another factor involved. Too many times I see younger girls date older men only to get hurt and forced into sexual actions that they regret later. I do not approve of this, I have said it once, and I will say it many more times to come.

We broke up, I am really upset, how do I get over it?
This is nothing anyone on these boards can tell you. Every person has their own timeline of when they get over certain things, this being one of them. All I can say is, you just have to face the facts, no matter how much it hurts, nothing you do is going to bring it back. The sooner you bring this into your realization the easier and quicker this process becomes.

8. Misc

Just to clarify, I am in no way trained to deal with tense depression situations that may involve physical harm to oneself. I want to also state that if you feel you are in this state of mind to quickly get professional help.

If you have come here and read all this just to get sexy pick up lines and advice to get women in bed, sorry you have wasted your time and are not welcome to any of my advice. I am here to offer advice and help to healthy friendships and relationships, not to give you screw-buddies.

If you guys have anything to add, please reply and lets make a comprehensive thread for all to enjoy and learn from. =)

Edit: I apologize for any spelling errors, I am not an English Major, forgive me.

Brian Breeden
History Student
breedenb@gmail.com
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joice
Posted on: February 14th, 2007, 7:12am Quote Report to Moderator
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Gender: Female
Posts: 296
Wwwwoooohhhh...

You really took all of your past experiences in here huh!!!
But i like this stuff of yours, the energy you put on writing all of this.

I'll try to work on the "LADIES POINT ON VIEW".


Keep u posted...(",)



Who do you turn to when the only person
in the world that can stop you from crying,
is exactly the one making you cry?    
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Myzyri
Posted on: February 17th, 2007, 10:59am Quote Report to Moderator
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Gender: Male
Posts: 1,824
This is a great thread, Brian!  Good job!  I'll toss in a few of my own comments and if they work for you, feel free to add them in subsequent postings (here or elsewhere).



Quoted from Illustrator Vir
Table of Contents

SNIPPED FOR BREVITY (Yeah, like anything about my posts is ever brief!  LOL)

2. Breaking the Ice
One of the most difficult things when it comes to starting a friendship is actually breaking the ice. It’s like starting that college essay, its only difficult to start then after that it just flows, this is a lot of the same thing.

The main point here to keep in mind is to be you. If it is someone you have never met before, you should start by introducing yourself and finding out their name. Then make a general comment or question, maybe about the Super Bowl, Music, Grammy’s, American Idol even. Just something to get a general conversation started.


There's one point that I would really like to stress here.  You really need to be yourself.  Starting a relationship on a lie is almost a certain sign that the relationship won't last.  

On the flip side, little white lies can be acceptable for the sake of continuing a conversation.  If she says her favorite movie was "The Notebook" and you hated it, you don't have to say, "OMG, that movie sucked!"  You could say, "It was pretty good" or even "I didn't really care for it."  If she later finds out that you absolutely hated it, it's not something she's going to dump you over.  However, if you tell her you're a neurosurgeon who makes a million dollars a year, she might be pretty ticked off when she finds out that you're really the mop-up boy at a porn studio and you've been borrowing your grandmother's Mercedes for dates because your Ford Aspire is missing both doors and only runs on one cylinder.  Similarly, if you're a pothead and she's totally against drugs, don't tell her you've never done drugs because when she finds out, she's going to dump you.  In this cae, either let her go, or be honest and let her decide whether or not she wants to pursue a relationship with you.  Simply, you can "buff yourself" a little, but starting a relationship on a big fat lie is going to come back to haunt you eventually.

Next, I always found the weather to be a decent ice breaker.  It's kind of a cliche, but it's definitely one thing that everyone has in common and no one is biased againt.  Sure, we all have Global Warming in common, but if she's tree hugger and you're not, this discussion could cause problems.  We also all have religion (even if you're an atheist) and politics in common, but these are bad topics to start with.  People who know each other well can debate these topics.  People who are getting to know one another will simply argue about these topics.  

In any case, the weather dicussion can lead into all sorts of other topics.  "Boy it's snowing like crazy out there" can turn into a story about when you were a kid and you went sledding for the first time.  Or it could lead to a discussion about things you both can't wait to do when it warms up.  

My main point of advice for this entire section is to think two steps ahead of the current discussion topic.  Whether you start the discussion topic or she does, think about where it could go and how you could relate it to a semi-personal story.  This will keep you from having those long awkward silences.  When having your first conversation with someone, there are bound to be awkward silences, but if you keep talking and keep switching gears on topics, you're bound to hit on some common ground.  Maybe it won't exactly be common ground, but you'll at least find a topic that will get her talking more.  An even if the subject matter isn't your cup of tea, you can use what she says to learn more about her and use what she says to switch gears to a topic that both of you have an interest in.


Quoted from Illustrator Vir
Don’t be afraid to ask questions. When I say questions, I don’t mean personal-life-story type of questions. What I mean is, general things so you actually LEARN about the person you are trying to meet.


This next comment plays off some of what I said above.  The "personal-life-story type of questions" aren't necessarily bad or off-limits; however, these questions need to be delivered properly.  If you want to know something more personal, you need to share that information about yourself first and then ask about them.

From Vir's example, I would think family questions or location questions are a bit much for a very first conversation with a stranger.  If it's someone at (public) high school, you can reasonably assume they live nearby.  At private high schools or colleges, they could be from anywhere.  Asking if they're an only child, to me, is iffy.  Most people wouldn't care, but it might not be something they want to share.  

Therefore, use an indirect approach.  I'll give this next example based on my "weather discussion" from above.  When the conversation permits (or you steer it to an appropriate place), you can say something like, "I remember going sledding with my brothers when I was a kid.  My sister was came with, but she was really little and was terrified of sledding.  I'm pretty close with my 2 brothers and my sister.  Do you have any siblings?"

So, simply share something about yourself if you're preparing to ask a more personal question.  Giving your information first will help them let their guard down a bit and feel more comfortable with you.


Quoted from Illustrator Vir

Good Examples
What is your favorite football team?
Are you from around here? If not, where are you from?
Are you an only child?
What is your favorite (insert noun here, food, music, class, etc.)


Movies are good a good topic...
What kind of movies do you like?
What was the last movie you saw?  What did you think?
Have you seen (insert movie)?  What did you think?
What movie have you been dying to see?  (This is a good one because once she answers, you can ask her out...  "Me too!  Would you want to grab something to eat and then go see it this weekend?"

Also, make note of things she's wearing or things she says.  While she finds it cute, her T-shirt is not going to tell you all about her personality.  However, accessories might give you a clue.  These can become quick conversation starters/boosters.

If she's wearing a crystal on a necklace, she might be into metaphysics, psychics, ghosts, etc.  

If she's got drawings of dragons on her bookbag or even as tattoos, maybe she's into fantasy novels, role-playing games, World of Warcraft, etc.

If she's got a designer purse, she might be into fashion.  If she's got a hippie look to her, she's probably more liberal and you can lean your topics in a more earthy and humanitarian direction.

What people wear and especially what they accessorize with can tell a lot about them, so clue in on that and use that to continue the conversation.

Check for little buttons as well.  Some people like to wear ribbon-pins for cancer awareness, AIDS awareness, and other things.  Some have buttons/patches displaying their favorite bands, quotes, philosophies, etc.  Unless they're covered in butons and patches, they're probably pretty selective about what they're going to display.  Use these to your advantage when asking questions.  These items will most likely give you some good topic starters and she'll be impressed because you know all the right questions to ask.  It will appear that you two have so much in common, but in reality, she gave you everything you needed to keep the conversation flowing.


Quoted from Illustrator Vir

Bad Examples
Do you like one night stands?
Are THOSE real?
Were you always this fat?


I'd also add:

Religion - While on the surface, this doesn't seem like a problem, religions' topics encompass every aspect of life.  There are bound to be disagreements even if you're both of the same faith!  

Politics - This is a death topic.  As I said before, people who know each other can intelligently debate politics, but strangers will often argue about it.  No matter what, if you hit a bad subject within the topic of politics, she (or you) might just think, "What a goofy tree-hugging left wing idiot" or "What an insensitive right-wing nutjob" and shut down completely.  

These two are what I like to call "opinionated topics."  Some people don't care and take these lightheartedly, but others will judge you critically based on your political or religious opinions.  Save these disucssions for later on when you know each other better and it's less likely that these topics could cause one of you to totally "turn off."  Also, in business, religion and politics are two things that every businessman/woman will tell you to NEVER discuss with clients.  That's sound advice for early dating and "getting to know you" discussions too.

Sports - Some girls are into sports, but for the most part, they just zone out when guys start talking about sports.  Save this topic for the future.  If she's into it, great.  If she's not, that's fine.  But you're better off not bringing this up in a first conversation because, as I said, if she knows nothing about sports and/or has no interest in sports, it might be a complete dead-end that's difficult to backtrack from.


Quoted from Illustrator Vir


SNIPPED

3. Dating

I use the term dating very loosely. In grade school, the term dating means your seeing or otherwise attached to one person, that’s not what I mean here. I mean, asking your cute co-worker to take part in a Cinematic Adventure with you, or perhaps enchanting your best friend’s sister’s friend with a challenging game of air hockey at your local arcade, etc.


This has always bothered me.  Maybe we need a section here or a dedicated thread to terminology.

For example, the term "hook up."  Without clarification, it could mean many things.  Below are things it could mean...  The parts in parentheses are the clarifications that most people leave out beuase they assume that everyone has the same understanding of the term "hook up."

1>  Being set up on a blind date.  "We hooked up (through some friends)."

2>  Getting together for an impromptu date. "I hooked up with this chick at a party and we had a great night all night (sitting at a pizzeria and talking until they kicked us out)."

3>  One night stand.  "I hooked up with this chick at a party and we had a great night all night (and I shagged her brains out without ever even knowing her name and I haven't seen her since)."

4>  Fooling around and/or oral sex.  "I hooked up with this chick at a party and we had a great night all night (but we just gave each other head, we didn't have sex)."

The same thing goes for "dating," "seeing" someone, and "going out."

What are your definitions of these words?

To me:

Hook Up - Random sexual encounter.  You meet someone at a party and have sex.  This term could also be used to describe getting together or fooling around, but it needs to be clarified as I stated above.

Seeing - This term is usually interchangeable with "dating," but I see this as a first stage.  When you're "seeing" someone, there's no real committment.  You're going on dates to learn more about each other and "see" if there's a possible romantic relationship.  Both parties could be "seeing" other people at this stage without any real trouble (unless they throw it in the person's face).

Dating - This is usually interchangeable with "Seeing."  However, I think of dating as a secondary stage.  This is the point at which you're getting more involved.  Things are going well and you're sharing deeper thoughts and opinions.  At this stage, you're not yet boyfriend/girlfriend and you can be "Dating" other people, but this is the point where you need to decide who you want to continue seeing regularly.  Basically, you need to decide who you're going to "go out" with during this stage.

Going Out - You're boyfriend/girlfriend and you're no longer "playing the field."  This could also be called "going steady."

Any thoughts?


Quoted from Illustrator Vir
Not all dates have to be candle lit dinners for two at the most expensive and romantic places in town. Not only is that giving the wrong impression to quickly, you will run out of money by your third date.


I'm tossed up about this.  Maybe it's because I'm older, but I do agree with the point about giving the wrong impression.  The way I've usually handled this was to ask her (before the date) what kind of food she likes.  I would then choose an appropriate restaurant.  

Also, regarding restaurants, something fun for a first date is going to a Japanese restaurant that serves sushi and sashimi.  NOT ALL SUSHI IS RAW FISH!  Not all sushi restaurants are good either, so check out Japanese restaurants on Yahoo Food, Zagats, or any restaurant reviewer sites that deal with restaurants in your town.  Sushi on a first date can be a fun experience if she's never tried it.  If you've never tried it, read up on it (Wikipedia has a pretty good article for starters).  However, keep in mind that this can get expensive at some restaurants.  

Another somewhat expensive option is a Brazillian Steak House.  Basically, you sit at a table and Gauchos run around with skewers of meat.  Bring an appetite because anyone who's been to one of these usually refers to it as "an orgy of meat."  Anyway, it's a very fun dining experience (if you're near Chicago, I strongly recommend Sabor do Brasil in the Orland Park suburb - http://www.sabor-do-brasil.com).  Basically, it's a smorgasboard of beef, pork, lamb, seafood, cheeses, and other things, but they bring it to you.  You can eat all night long for one price.  These are getting more and more popular, so there's probably one near you.  

Personally, I'm big on "dining entertainment" for a first date.  Check out something trendy (Lettuce Entertain You restaurants or something similar in your area - http://www.leye.com/welcome.html), something that gets you involved (Sushi or restaurants where you can watch the food being made or they let you make it yourself like some of these "Grill your own" steakhouses), or something that gets you to try new things (dinner theater, sushi, different national cuisine like Indian Food or something less mainstream - No Chinese or Mexican).  


Quoted from Illustrator Vir
Also keep in mind, your first date is not always intended to get your lady in the dark to lock lips either. I like the first date to be something casual where you do more communicating then making out. Sure, a few tender moments are ok, but lets not go to the back row of the movie theater just yet.

Like I said before, the point of the first date (in my opinion) is to learn something about the person. You will not learn anything from a person in a movie theater, not only do you not talk to each other, the only thing you will learn is how far will she go with a complete stranger.


Excellent points!


Quoted from Illustrator Vir

Might I suggest a few other alternatives?

Good Ideas
Putt-Putt (who DOESN’T like putt putt?)
Casual Lunch/Dinner
Walk in the Park
Go to a playground
Arcade
Mall/Shopping Centers
Dancing/Club


Shooting pool
Going bowling
Water Park
Theme/Amusement park (Six Flags type)
Carnival
Picnic in the park
Go to the Zoo
Comedy Club - This is like Vir's movie theater comment though.  You won't talk much, but it's a good way to see what makes her laugh.  And at the end of the date, she'll remember laughing her head off.  So, it gives her a lasting impression of having fun with you once you drop her off.
Museum/Planetarium (Great date spot!  It's inexpensive, you get to see some cool stuff, maybe even learn something, and it's a lot of one-on-one time)

These next ones could be a little strange, but feel her out and see how she feels:

(Seasonal) Picking fruits...  Some farms let you come by and pick your own berries, grapes, apples, oranges, peaches, etc.  If you're in the city and your initial conversations went smoothly, this is a great idea because it's usually a longer drive to the country, so you get to know each other on the drive and then you get to do something together when you get there.  You can grab lunch/dinner, and then head back with some fresh fruit.  At that point, if you're into it, you could invite her over to do some baking with your fresh fruit!  Cook together and have fun with it.

(Works great with cops' kids) Firing ranges.  Of all the cops I know, most of their kids are into shooting in one form or another.  So, if you're dating the child of a cop, ask about the topic of cops and then ask if their parent ever got them into shooting.  If they say yes, plan a trip to go shooting (make sure you have a FOID card or else they won't let you in).  If you don't own a gun, call around.  Many firing ranges will rent guns to you (especially if they also sell guns).  Also, make sure you find out what kind of shooting he/she is into.  There's a big difference between target practice with a 9mm and trap shooting with a shotgun.  Also, I guarantee this will score you some major points with the cop parent.

(Random) Historic District walk.  Some small towns that have grown have an historic district.  There's usually a lot of window shopping, some old fashioned ice cream shops, old movie theaters that show nostalgic films, and stuff like that.  Many towns keep these areas unbelievably clean and well-lit in such a way that it's romantic.  Just park somewhere and take a walk.  Visit the shops, have some ice cream, buy her some flowers, or whatever.  Again, some of these towns are close and others are further away.  If it's further away, make sure your earlier conversations went very well or else you might get stuck in a one or two hour drive that's riddled with awkward silence.

(Kind of Cheesy)  Stargazing.  This is a good "after-a-good-date" activity.  Many times, people plan a date and it either ends early or you just don't want to go home yet.  Instead of winding up at a bar or whatever, use it as an opportunity to talk more and get to know each other.  If you've gotten a little closer during the date, this could be really nice.  Drive out to a nice open field, pull out a blanket (bring bug spray too), and just lay there watching the stars while you talk.  Stargazing often leads to very philosophical conversations.  This also works well after an evening picnic.


Quoted from Illustrator Vir

Bad Ideas
Movie Theater (unless its after one of the previously mentioned)
Your Apartment
Your Bedroom
Anyplace dark and suggestive


I'd also include clubs and bars in "bad ideas."  Clubs and bars tend to be loud and limit any real conversation.  In loud clubs, discussions are usually limited to very short and very superficial topics because you're shouting over the pounding of music and the other 200 people who are trying to scream over the music too.  
You:  "Want another drink?"
Her:  "WHAT?!"
You:  "DO...  YOU...  WANT...  ANOTHER...  DRINK?!"
Her:  "YEAH!"
You:  "WHAT...  DO...  YOU...  WANT...  THIS...  TIME?"
Her:  "TIME?  YEAH, IT'S 9:30!"
You:  "NO NO NO..."

And so on...


Quoted from Illustrator Vir
My point here is to take her to a place where you can have fun without any pressure of doing something she wouldn’t like. A movie theater might have cut it in high school, but I have found that its not a good place for a first date unless you do a dinner/movie combo which is good. Nothing says romantic AND casual like a walk in the park in the early evening. Make it someplace you can both agree on and can both pay your ends of the tab. After all, it’s the first date, lets save yourself some money in case it doesn’t go as planned.


I'm more traditional in this respect.  On a first date, I like to pick up the check.  Some of this is just me being strange, but I think it tells me about the girl.

1>  If she offers to pay, insists after I tell her no, and then lets it drop, I like this.  I find her respectful and somewhat traditional.

2>  If she fights me for the check on the first date, it could mean two things.  Either she doesn't want to be indebted to me because she's not interested in a second date OR she doesn't want anyone paying her way.  Personally, I've usually walked away after this.  Someone who will fight over a check on a first date like this, in my opinion, is someone who is so independent that they are going to be difficult to be with since they don't want to give up anything.  Maybe it's just me, but whenever I've been in this situation, the girl was always somewhat guarded and difficult to "crack" in the getting-to-know-you stage.  Again, maybe it's just me.

3>  She suggests paying separately when you grab the bill.  This could go either way.  Sometimes it means she doesn't want a second date.  It could also mean she doesn't want to burden you with the bill for both of you.  If you tell her no and she gives up, that's fine.  If she fights it, see number 2 above.

4>  You offer to pay, she offers to pay, you tell her no, and she suggests splitting it.  That's fine, but again, it sould go either way.  

5>  If you do end up splitting it, see how she handles it.  If she starts calculating her portion down to the penny when you both had similar dishes (within a few dollars of each other), then don't expect antoher date.  If she suggests splitting it up the middle, she's cool and you'll be having another date.


Quoted from Illustrator Vir

Signs a Date is Going Well
She is getting closer… closer…
Hand Holding
Laughter
Playful Hitting
Talk of a Second Date
Kiss Goodnight
Phone Number Exchange


She's made up a pet name for you (Pookie Bear, Silly Face, etc.) or is using an old standby (Honey, baby, sweetie, etc.)

Baby Talk.  If she starts being all cutesy with "baby talk," she likes you.  However, baby talk is usually a sign of a very immature relationship.  People resort to baby talk because it makes things "cute."  It also keeps the relationship "cute" instead of allowing the relationship to mature and get serious.


Quoted from Illustrator Vir

Signs its not… going so well
Awkward Silences
Consistently looking the other way
Showing little interest
Keeping obvious distance
Answers or talks on a cell phone

Few more pointers for that first date:

    [*Do not talk/answer a phone call. Your there to spend time together, you can call them back]
    [*Keep conversations off the bat casual and interesting]
    [*Do not go into a date expecting sex, makes you look stupid and you still won’t get laid]
    [*Do not make her uncomfortable with sudden advances. Sure, try to make a move for a small kiss, but if she turns away, let it go.]


The only thing I disagree with is the phone call here.  

If you get a call, I see no problem with answering it, but keep it short.  You can also use a phone call as an opportunity.

1>  If the date's not going so well and you want out, you can tell your friend, "I'm out with Ashley, but I'll give you a call in an hour or so."  DO NOT be a jerk about it.  Keep it simple.  By giving a somewhat specific time, it lets your date know that this little adventure is coming to a close.  It also lets her know that you're not all that interested and she'll refrain from suggesting something else to do.

2>  If the date is undecided (you still want to get to know her, but you're not feeling that spark yet), then either don't answer at all or say something like, "I'm out with Ashley, so I'll have to give you a call tomorrow."  This leaves the rest of the evening open and lets her know that you're there to be with her.

3>  If the date is going well, you can get a little cocky.  Answer and say something like, "I'm out with Ashley and we're having a great time!  I'd love to talk, but well, you're just not as hot/sweet/sexy/fun as Ashley!  I'll give you a call tomorrow because I just don't want to miss a single second of this date."  It assures her of your feelings, makes her feel very appreciated, and essentially gives her the "warm and fuzzies" because you're blowing off a buddy because you really like her.

Finally, if you're one of these jagoffs who gets phone calls every 30 seconds, then shut off your phone.  Trust me, you're not that f*ckin' important and neither are any of the pinheads who are going to call you with their inane bullsh*t.  Your phone ringing constantly doesn't make you look important/loved/cool...  It makes you look like an *sshole who has way too much time on his hands and does nothing but bullsh*t on the phone all the time.  However, if you get one or two calls a night, leave it on and use it to your advantage.


Quoted from Illustrator Vir

4. Friends or More?

Ah, the common grey area for most people. After a seemingly successful date, are we friends? Should I call her? Does she like me? What should I do? Whoa, easy there tiger, we can work through this, just breathe.

This can be as simple as your mind will let you. If you got a phone number from the said first date, then give her a call and see what is up. See if she would like to go out again, find out if she had a good time. Or, you can just ask, where do we stand? Could you see yourself going out with me again? This should answer any uncertainties you might have.


I'm not a big fan of the direct approach.  I like to ask her out again.  Something like, "I hope you had a good time yesterday...  Would you want to do something this weekend?"  If she makes up excuses or says she has stuff to do, ask about the next weekend.  If she makes up excuses, then it's pretty certain that she's not interested.  However, throw the ball into her court.  Don't keep pushing for a date, but just say, "Well, if you ever want to get together, feel free to give me a call and we'll set something up."  If she REALLY is busy those two weekends, she will say, "Well, I'm busy this weekend, BUT" and she'll suggest a date.  If she doesn't want another date, she'll just say, "OK, that's cool.  I'll keep your number handy."  

Simply, if she's interested in a second date, she'll want to lock down some plans before you get off the phone.  If she's not interested, she'll try to leave the conversation without making any plans with you.

Another way to feel her out is to ask if she had a good time.  If she says, "yeah, it was fun" (in a somewhat dull tone), then she didn't have a good time and she's trying to be polite.  If she gets all giddy and uses words like, "awesome, great, fantastic, really cool, etc." then she had a good time.  She also had a good time if she goes into detail.  If you went to a carnival and she says something like, "Oh man, I haven't had cotton candy in years and that ferris wheel was so high, it was awesome!"  

You should be able to figure it out simply based on her tone and what she says.  A disinterested person keeps things short, sweet, and to-the-point.  An interested person will want you to know that they appreciated the time they spent with you.


Quoted from Illustrator Vir
The main concept here is communication. If you think on it too much, it will drive you insane. The best thing for you to do is to simply talk to her. Find out how the date went from her perspective and if you get a second date, congratulations! This many times means she has a genuine interest in you and now all you have to do is be yourself and your golden!


Also, rely on body language too if you're discussing this in-person.  Listen to her voice/tone if you're on the phone.  

If you're totally confused, then just ask her flat-out if you're getting a second date.
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Quoted from Illustrator Vir
Also keep in mind, if she didn’t enjoy herself or doesn’t want to go out again, do not hold anything personal against her. Maybe she missed that putt to win the game, or maybe she just doesn’t like you. Do not keep pushing yourself on her and give her the space she wants and move on. If you give yourself a bad name to her, it might come back to bite you. She has friends and you might one day run into them, and if you kept it casual to where your both still friends, she will say good things about you and you might get a chance where if you acted otherwise, would not have.


Fantastic advice!  

To add to that, if she turns you down, don't go around badmouthing her.  "She wouldn't go out with me again...  That's fine beucase she was a stuck-up c*nt anyway."  First, it'll get back to her if you have any mutual friends.  Second, it makes you look like a jerk.  If you don't get that second date, be nice.  If anyone asks, you can say, "Well, I really liked her, but I guess we just didn't click."  Then, move on...  Being nasty only makes you look bad.


Quoted from Illustrator Vir

5. Relationships

So you have had some very successful dates and you’re ready to try for a relationship. Well first things first, you need to make sure she feels the same feelings to you. If you can’t guess, a relationship can’t survive with only one party. So, how do you bring this up? Well, you could simply ask, “Could you see yourself in a relationship with me?” and take it from there.


Other possibilities could be:

"You know, I could really see myself calling you my girlfriend.  How would you feel about that?"

"I think things are going pretty well between us.  What do you think?"

"So, do you think we've reached the point of officially being boyfriend and girlfriend?"

"I think things have been going pretty well...  Would I be stepping over the line by calling you my girlfriend?"

Or you could do the round-about way and divert attention from yourself...  "So, my mom asked how things were going with my 'girlfriend."  I said things were going really well...  what do you think, my girlfriend?"

Quite honestly, by the time you're ready to be boyfriend/girlfriend, this should be an easier conversation that it appears to be.  You should see things going well and you should be pretty comfortable with your partner.  Most likely, she feels the same or else you wouldn't have had this many dates.


Quoted from Illustrator Vir
This topic is hard to be general one, because just about every romantic relationship out there is different, but here are few things to keep in mind.


    [*Communication is KEY]
    [*Include her in your life, talk to her about what goes on, that’s what it is all about]
    [*Communication]
    [*Communication]
    [*Did I mention Communication?]
    [*Establish Trust]


That last one is a biggie for me. For both you and your little sweetie you need to have trust. If you feel you cannot trust her, for whatever reason, then the relationship will be crap, plain and simple. You will always find yourself wondering, what if? Who was that guy she was with? You will become paranoid and it will drive you insane.


Agreed.  You need to trust the person you're with.


Quoted from Illustrator Vir
By the same token, take her feelings into considerations when it comes to your female friends. If she asks you to spend less time with them and more with her, respect that. Always think of it in the opposite fashion. What if SHE was spending more time with HER guy friends then with you? Wouldn’t you want her to spend time with you? Of course you would.


Well, I think you all know my position on guys and girls being friends in general.  If you're in a relationship with someone, I personally don't think you should be hanging out with friends of the opposite sex.  FAR more often than not, guys who are friends with a girl are guys who are just too shy to ask her out.  One way or another, they will evenutally want her romantically.  And girls who are friends with guys will often see him in a different light when he's dating someone.  Maybe they were just friends at first, but she's going to see how he is as a boyfriend and get jealous.  

Overall, if you've got friends of the opposite sex and you get into a relationship with someone, but back on hanging out with your opposite-sex friends unless you're in a group.  Nothing causes more suspicion/jealousy than one-on-one outings with an opposite-sex friend when your in a relationship.

Next, when it comes to friends in general, you're allowed to have a life outside of a relationship.  If your boyfriend or girlfriend demands that you drop your friends or monopolizes all of your time, start reconsidering the relationship with regard to control-issues.  Be respectful of his/her wishes, but don't allow him/her to slowly suck away everything that is not about "us."


Quoted from Illustrator Vir
Communication is also a very big key. Without communication you will build mistrust and it will be just plain boring. Let her in on your life and she will let you in on hers. If you share experiences then the communication should never die out.

6. Distance Relationships/Online Dating

I personally have had very little success with this. It is not personal and is in many cases, just down right dangerous. However I thought I would make a section for it, since I have given it a try and maybe I could share some of my experiences with you.

With the thousands of Dating Services online and large communities such as Myspace dating has never been easier, right? Maybe. Many online dating services require monthly memberships, and like most of you guys out there, I am in no hurry to give someone money to hook me up. However if you are willing to give up money for love, then feel free to give it a try, just remember to be safe when it comes to actually meeting the person (LADIES especially). Take a friend with you when you go to meet them.


I hope this doesn't get flagged as SPAM, but if you're planning to try a dating site, I'd suggest going with eHarmony.  They do a light background check and they also have several protocols in place to keep you safer.  A friend of mine (yes, a real friend, not me) signed up and before they approved him, they actually called him on the phone with several questions.  They discovered that he had lived with two different women who had the same last name at two different addresses and they wanted an explanation.  The first was when he was living at home with his parents and the woman was his sister.  The second was when his cousin moved in with him for a couple months after she had a house fire and the house was being remodeled.  He listed himself as single and they were checking on whether or not he was lying about his status.  There were also some other personal questions they asked him, but overall, they try to mak sure everyone is legitimate and they confirm their users with phone calls and mailings.  My friend said that he received a postcard from them once that asked him to return it to confirm his address.  If he didn't they'd shut off his access.  So, if something goes wrong, they'll be able to check out your matches (based on the stage of communication you're at with them) and track down anyone you may have been dating.

Anyway, nothing is foolproof, but it looks like eHarmony really tries to offer a safe and sincere dating service.


Quoted from Illustrator Vir
In order for a long distance relationship to work you must have a large sum of trust. You will not see her every day, you in all honesty have no idea what could be going on, same with her seeing you. You need to stay loyal to that person and have discipline. Many long distance relationships fail because you actually meet someone closer, which is why I do not always support Distance Relationships, however there are always success stories, so there you have it.


Agreed.  i am also of the mindset.  Personally, since less than 1% of long distance relationships actually work out, I think long distance relationships do nothing but keep people from meeting real people with real possibilities for a relationship.  You could meet someone that you could really click with, but you might pass him/her up for a chatroom girlfriend/boyfriend or someone you really don't know becuase you've only met a few times.  Even if you dated for a few years and then had to do a long distance relationship, it's the same.  Life changes, people change, and most often, hey grow apart.  

Continuing that line of thought, I guess I should clarify something.  If you're an adult, you're on your own, you've got a job, and you can afford to make a long distance relationship work, then I'm not so much against it because you're free to get on a plane, run up the phone bill, have them visit you, etc.  HOWEVER, if you're living with your parents, you're still in school, or you're broke, then don't bother with a long distance relationship.  You won't be able to make it real because you don't have the freedom or the financial ability to make it real.  Unfortunately, by the time you're able to make it real, your long-distance love will have gotten sick of waiting and they move on.  And, during the time you spent "waiting," you could have met someone else (or many other people) and had some great romances and forged some great friendships.

Overall, my advice is to leave long distance relationships alone because they do nothing but cheat you out of so many other more-real possibilities.


Quoted from Illustrator Vir

7. Common Relationship Questions

Though out the past few months I have shared many adventures with many different people throughout the forums and through my travels I have seen a lot of common questions and concerns when its comes to their relationships and friendships. I have stated my opinion on each of these threads respectively, but I thought ill put them here as well in case you need a reminder. =)

We have been dating for X months, now he/she isn’t talking to me, or we are having trouble getting a hold of each other, what should I do?
As much as you don’t want to hear it, if you have been dating for a long period of time and “all of a sudden” you aren’t talking like you used to, there is a distraction in the relationship. This could be but isn’t limited to, a 3rd party you or your partner are interested in, bad time of year (death in the family perhaps), bad anniversary of some sort or maybe you just screwed up. Either way there is a problem here. You need to talk this out with your partner to try to resolve this. Communication is key, this situation is no different.


Completely agree.  The bottom line is to get together and have a serious talk so you can figure out what's going on.


Quoted from Illustrator Vir
I think my partner is cheating on me… what do I do now?
If you have suspicions of someone cheating on you then unfortunately you need to start doing some snooping. If it is something as simple as a trust issue, that’s one thing however if you are sure there is foul play then you need to find yourself answers. If that means a simple sit down, fine, if you need to ask where she/he goes, do it. Once you’re sure you know what is going on, you need to confront them. Confrontation unfortunately in this kind of situation is one of the only ways to find the truth. If it is confirmed that he/she is cheating on you, as hard as it is, step away from the relationship. If it happened once, it can happen again.


I have a somewhat different school of thought on this.  There's no such thing as a "simple trust issue."  If you have reason to not trust the person you're with, then it's time to move on.  Maybe you're just a jealous person or maybe your partner is cheating, but no matter what the truth is, it all boils down to the fact that you have trust issues.  If you can't trust the person you're with, save yourself the emotional worry and move on.  Go find someone you can trust.  

Now, most people won't take that advice because everyone wants their relationship to have a silver-lining.  They'll want to snoop, expect the worst, and hope for the best.  So, let's follow that line...

The biggest problem with cheating is confirming it.  No cheater will ever admit to cheating on you.  While I'm not a big fan of snooping, I'm fine with it in certain cases.  For example, you call your boyfriend and he says he's working late (again).  In that case, I don't see any problem with driving by his work to see if his car is there.  If his car isn't there, you can wait for him at his house or even wait at the parking lot and see if he returns to drop off a co-worker he's been cheating with.  On the flipside, if his car is there and you're still suspicious, you have an option to further satisfy your curiosity.  If it's a friendly workplace and you can get in, you could grab some McDonald's and drop in on him.  If he's there, just say you thought he might be hungry because he's working and didn't get a chance to have dinner.  So, give him a kiss, be happy that he wasn't lying, drop off the food, and go home.  If he's not there, you can sit in the parking lot and wait to see who drops him off at his car and see how they interact.  Make sure you see what's happening.  If he comes back with some woman and just leaves, it might be innocent.  Call him a few hours later and ask him how his day was and ask "So, what'd you do when you left work?"  (It's a reasonable non-loaded question.)  Maybe he worked an hour of overtime and then went to grab dinner with a co-worker.  But again, watch how they interact.  If he kisses her or anything, then you can get more suspicious.  Just because he's with another woman doesn't mean it's cheating...  You have to be certain of what you're seeing because snooping always causes someone to suspect the worst and twist facts despite the reality that they're snooping to get the facts.

In any case, unless you're married or you've been dating for a few years, I might even suggest getting out of the relationship if you have a good reason to suspect cheating.  It's not worth the trouble if you're just dating and it's not worth the emotional rollercoaster that a lack of trust brings on.  Finally, if you take the snooping route and conclusively find out that the person is cheating on you, walk away.  Personally, I don't think there really needs to be any sort of confrontation beyond, "Hey, you cheating scumbag...  Welcome To Dumpsville...  Population: You."  Once a cheater, always a cheater.  People don't cheat solely because they're horny.  People cheat because it gives them a rush.  Knowing they can get caught makes it even more exhilarating.  And finally, people cheat when they aren't committed.  


Quoted from Illustrator Vir

He/She hit me, but they said they are sorry, is everything ok now?
NO! Violent actions in a relationship are unforgivable. If it happens once, it will happen again if tempters and tensions are formed. One thing can lead to another and you can be seriously hurt or worse… You need to get out of an abusive relationship as soon as possible. If you need to consult with friends if you need to, but get out any way you can. I have heard too many horror stories of abusive relationships, get out now!


Abusive relationships will only get better once you leave.  If someone hits you and you don't dump him/her, you're essentially giving them persmission to do it again.  They figure they can smack you around and everything will be fine if they apologize and promise to never do it again.  If someone hits you and you don't break-up, you're allowing that behavior.  Finally, if you allow it, you should expect the violence to continue and you should expect it to get worse because the more times they get away with it, the more they realize they can do even worse and still not lose you.


Quoted from Illustrator Vir

There is this girl I like… how do I tell her?
Simple, you go up and you talk to her. In these kind of situations you need to swallow your pride and take a chance. What have you lost if she says she doesn’t feel the same way? Nothing really from where you started. But in all reality you have everything to gain. Be ready to take one for the team, for this risk, you could be rewarded with the girl of your dreams. Go get em!


You got it!  Little to lose and a whole lot to gain...  The only thing you could lose is a little pride and I guarantee that'll be restored within a few days (probably more like a few hours).


Quoted from Illustrator Vir

I have this friend, I think I am falling in love with him/her…
Just like above, you need to talk to them about it. However I will advise a word of caution. If you try to advance in a romantic sense there is possibility it could ruin/destroy the friendship in the process. Some people get uncomfortable when they find out their best friend of a very long time wants to sleep with them. You have to weight the pros and cons within yourself then make a decision based on that.


Wee!  I get to give my usual friends rant.  If you've read it on this board the previous thousand times I posted it, feel free to skip ahead.

Guys and girls can not be friends.  Read this messag board.  99% of the "falling in love with a friend" posts are from guys.  When a guy becomes a girl's friend, there are two possibilities.  1>  The guy was too chicken to ask her out so he figured he'll be her friend until he works up the courage.  2>  The guy likes her really only as a friend, but he'll evenutally fall for her.  So, ladies, if you think you have a "guy friend," put it to the test.  If you ask that guy out on a date, no matter how much he swore he was only interested in friendship, I would bet $1000 that he will take you up on the offer.

Girls are a little more sincere when they go to be friends with guys, but not much more.  They usually think he's hot, he's smart, or whatever.  Sometimes they really want to be friends, but a lot of times they're just waiting for the guy to ask her out.

Guys and girls getting into friendships is very superficial.  It's "getting to know you" without dating and hoping that something more will happen to spark it into a relationship.

Next, Vir had a point about possibly destroying the friendship, but the friendship is a lie if you've become interested romantically.  Friends are honest; friends share their feelings.  If you started out as the chicken (from option one above), the entire friendship has been a lie.  If you started out as the sincere friend (option 2 from above), then the friendship became a lie once you realized you had feelings and didn't tell the person.

So, let's say you're afraid to ruin the friendship.  Just think of how you will feel when your friend starts dating someone?  You'll sit there and wonder "what might have been" if only you had asked him/her out first.  You'll die a little more every time your friend tells you how much they love their boyfriend/girlfriend.  You'll go home and cry your eyes out when they tell you the "good news" of when they slept together and it was so "special."

Plain and simple...  If you're in love with your friend, tell them.  You can say it flat out or you can do something romantic.  Either way, you have to tell the person or else I guarantee that you'll suffer emotionally every day that friendship continues.  So, don't worry about runing the friendship because it was already ruined by your emotions.  So, be a real friend and be honest about how you feel.


Quoted from Illustrator Vir

I like this guy, im 16 and he is 45, is that a problem?
Alright, so no that extreme, but you get the idea. I have always been against dating anyone older then you, when you are not even 18 yet. Once you turn 18 things begin to change a little bit. But I still would not go out with anyone 2-4 years older then me regardless unless there was another factor involved. Too many times I see younger girls date older men only to get hurt and forced into sexual actions that they regret later. I do not approve of this, I have said it once, and I will say it many more times to come.


Agreed overall.  If you're under 16, the most you should really date outside of your age is 1 year.  If you're 16-20, stay within 2 years.  At 20-25, you can bump it up to 3 or 4 years.  After 25, maybe up to 6 years.  Once you hit 45, you can go 10 years.

The problem with age is commonality.  If you're an 18 year old girl and you're dating a 40 year old man, what do you have in common?  I'm nowhere near 40, but I could never see myself dating an 18 year old girl.  I know 18 year old girls (my sister and her friends are all about 18 - give or take a year) and they're immature and, well, goofy.  When i was 18, that was fun and cute.  Now, it's annoying.  The only use I could have for one of my sister's friends is sex.  They're hot, they're tight, they're great arm candy, but they're immature.  Sex only sustains a relationship for so long.  Sure, it can work out well for some people, but overall, an older guy with a younger woman is usually just looking to get laid, regain a little of his youth, and fend off his mid-life crisis.  An older woman with a younger guy is usually having her own little crisis.  Again, she's looking for a young stud because she wants to feel attractive.  Maybe she found some crow's feet around her eyes and her boobs are sagging a little more than they used to.  What boosts your ego more than having some young guy want to have sex with you?  It reaffirms that she's still sexy and desirable.  Now, the younger people.  The younger girl with the older guy usually has a really high opinion of herself or a really low opinion of herself.  If she's got a high opinion of herself, she thinks she's better than the guys around her age and they will always say, "guys my age are so immature."  Pretty much, this is the gold digger who just doesn't want to build a life with someone.  This is the girl who wants a guy who can give her a life.  When it's an older guy and a younger girl like this, the guy is usually pretty well-off and very stable.  Simply, the high-opinion girl is afraid to build a life with someone her age because she's afraid she'll fail and have to admit that other people are doing better than she is.  With an older guy, she gets to play "keeping up with the Joneses" because she can rely on her man to take care of everything.  This was Anna Nicole Smith with J. Howard Marshall.  She wanted his money and he wanted a hot piece of arm candy to make him feel young again.  The low-opinion girl with the older guy is usually the down-trodden girl who blossomed into a beauty, but she spent her younger life as the ugly chick with braces and pimple.  Since everyone made fun of her, she still thinks of herself as the dumpy chick that no one wanted to go out with.  So, she figures she'll take what she can get even if the guy is old.  Our final selection is the younger guy who's with the older woman.  The younger guy is usually a horny stooge who's relying on "experienced women are the best in bed."  Another possibility is that they're looking for a motherly type to take care of them.  Women these days are more independent.  Older women are still a little more traditional and like to take care of their men.  So, these young guys figure they'll get some pampering, they'll get laid, and they'll get a woman to take care of them.  These traditional women want their men to do some work around the house, so the guy figures he'll fix a loose floorboard and unclog a toilet just to get what he wants.

The sad part is that these scenarios can even happen with a 5-10 year age difference.  It doesn't have to be an 18 year old with a 40 year old.  It could be a 24 year old with a 30 year old.  I've seen it happen in my own family.

So, if you want to date someone outside of your age range, then don't be surprised when one of you grows out of your current "phase" and realizes how insane the relationship is.


Quoted from Illustrator Vir

We broke up, I am really upset, how do I get over it?
This is nothing anyone on these boards can tell you. Every person has their own timeline of when they get over certain things, this being one of them. All I can say is, you just have to face the facts, no matter how much it hurts, nothing you do is going to bring it back. The sooner you bring this into your realization the easier and quicker this process becomes.


You will get over it in your own time.  Vir is 100% correct.  You can also help yourself by not sulking all the time.  Pick up a hobby or a project.  Make use of the "mourning period" to take your mind off of it every now and then.  While you need to think about it and deal with it, no good can come from crying all day long and sinking deeper and deeper into depression.  So, pick up a hobby, hang out with friends, go on a few dates with other people, and you'll be fine sooner than you think.

Also, I think this is a good place to put suicide attempts/threats.  
With that said, here are two situations that might be relevant after a break-up occurs.
1>  You contemplate suicide.
2>  Your ex treatens to commit suicide.

Let's take the first situation.  You get dumped and you think, "Man, he/she will feel like crap if I kill myself."  Yeah, they will feel terrible, but so will your parents, your friends, your siblings, and the rest of your family.  So, you're going to punish everyone who loves you because one person broke up with you?  Next, that's one person.  There are "more fish in the sea."  I know it's a cliche, but if that relationship didn't work out, there are other relationships that will.  Suicide is selfish.  It cheats you out of years of life.  It cheats your friends and family out of a friend or relative.  It leaves your friends and family hurting forever.  And eventually, their hurt turns into anger.  And here's the biggest kick in the gonads...  Your ex will hurt, cry, and feel horribly guilty for awhile.  But eventually, they get over it and they get angry at you for making them feel guilty.  In the end, they still move on and have a happy life.  But you won't because you killed yourself over some stupid guy/girl.  And after your ex forgets you, your parents will still cry.  Your ex will see your grave the day they put you into it and he/she will probably never be back.  Your parents and friends, on the other hand, will be there mourning for the rest of their lives.  No man or woman is worth suicide.  Your death will hurt more people than you can even imagine.  Don't make other people suffer just because you want revenge on one person.  It's not worth it.  And if you're thinking about doing it to end your own pain, that's twice as dumb.  You will get over it in time.  When people say "I'll never get over this," they're either lying or they're already on a thousand medications for mental problems and they're destined to be in the loony bin.  Chances are that you'll get over it much sooner than you think and you'll be happier than ever before.  Beyond that, there will come a day when you look at your wife or husband and think, "Thank god I never went through with it."

At this point, if you've throught it through and you still think suicide is your only option, you need to pick up the phone, call a suicide hotline, and then schedule an appointment with a psychiatrist to have an evaluation done.  These people are trained to help you and even if you think suicide is your only option, I guarantee that they'll prove you wrong.  They'll show you that there are many other options that will help ease the pain and depression.

Now, let's say your ex threatened commit suicide.  First off, 99% of people who threaten suicide never actually go through with it because most people have a fear of death.  Beyond that, people with any sort of religious background feel that they'll be condemned to Hell (or it's equivalent) for committing suicide.  And going even further, most types of suicide hurt like hell and most people are afraid of pain.  Secondly, 99% of people who actually attempt suicide want to be saved, so they call someone or tell someone they're going to do it and give major details.  (i.e. I'm sitting at home and once i finish this bottle of rum, I'm going to slit my wrists.  I just wanted to say goodbye.)  They do this because it is an affirmation that someone cares because someone will come and save them.  Furthermore, people who want to be saved will attempt suicide in ways that are easily repaired.  They don't slit their necks where they know they'd die within a few minutes, they slit their wrists because it takes longer and gives friends/family time to intervene.  (Additionally, the copious amounts of blood make it seem worse and illicits more worry and sympathy.)  They don't drink a bottle of drano, they swallow a bottle of Tylenol because they can get their stomach pumped and get saved.  People who really want to die take drastic measures and tell no one.  A real suicide is when they find the guy dead and he's got the suicide note in his pocket.  People who really want to commit suicide will drive 100 MPH into a brick wall, they'll shoot themselves in the head, or they'll hang themselves.

So, if someone threatens to commit suicide, you have one obligation.  No, you're not obligated to start dating again.  You're obligated to tell their parents or their school guidance counselor.  Telling their friends has no effect; you MUST tell someone who has the authority to do something about it.  Most likely, they won't kill themselves, but you have a responsibility to tell someone just in case they're serious.  If they call you and tell you they already took a handful of pills or they slit their wrists, call the police and their parents.  DO NOT run to save them yourself (although, you can wait nearby for the police to arrive and make subsequent calls to the police if they never show up - but they will show up for a suicide-in-progress call).  You are not a doctor, a paramedic, or a therapist.  Leave this to professionals.  If you're dealing with an adult, your obligation is to tell the police if your ex threatens suicide.  That's it.  


Quoted from Illustrator Vir

8. Misc

Just to clarify, I am in no way trained to deal with tense depression situations that may involve physical harm to oneself. I want to also state that if you feel you are in this state of mind to quickly get professional help.

If you have come here and read all this just to get sexy pick up lines and advice to get women in bed, sorry you have wasted your time and are not welcome to any of my advice. I am here to offer advice and help to healthy friendships and relationships, not to give you screw-buddies.

If you guys have anything to add, please reply and lets make a comprehensive thread for all to enjoy and learn from. =)

Edit: I apologize for any spelling errors, I am not an English Major, forgive me.


Ahh, we'll fix the spelling and grammar later on...

Thoughts?  Comments?
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Abbey07
Posted on: March 7th, 2007, 4:28pm Quote Report to Moderator
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Have look if ya want

Gender: Female
Posts: 1,253
This is really good advice Illustrator Vir, Myzyri u really are top people.   Illustrator Vir I like u u always have something nice to say and always wanting to help people out i've never known a guy that will do that I think i speak for most girls in saying that u really give us hope that there are some nice guy out there who are not going to work over us.

Keep up the good work guys

all my love Abbey

All the best Abbey XxX  <br /><br /><br /><br />If want u can see my

[center][/center]website at www.the1whocrys4u.piczo.com
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AngelFace
Posted on: March 30th, 2007, 4:14pm Quote Report to Moderator
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I finally had some time to really read through these posts.  Thank you to Illustrator Vir & Myzyri for posting your good advice to people here.

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breacliff
Posted on: March 5th, 2010, 1:44pm Quote Report to Moderator
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Whenever you're in conflict with someone, there is one factor that can make the difference between damaging your relationship and deepening it. That factor is attitude.
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joyount
Posted on: March 8th, 2010, 3:59pm Quote Report to Moderator
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Love is like standing in wet cement , the longer you stay the harder to leave and u can never leave without leaving your marks behind.  
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