Funny Marriage Quotes

Our Collection of Humorous and Funny Quotes related to married life

Marriage is give and take. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take it anyway.

My wife suggested a book for me to read to enhance our relationship. It’s titled, “Women are from Venus, Men are Wrong.”

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

Honolulu — it’s got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife’s mother.

There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.

Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he’ll fall asleep before you finish…

Do you know why God withheld the sense of humor from women? So that we may love you instead of laugh at you.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.


After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, “You know, I was a fool when I married you.” She replied, “Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice.”

After an acquaintance of ten minutes, many women will exchange confidences that a man would not reveal to a lifelong friend.

The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby.

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to…


“I’ll never let go Jack, I’ll never let go.” Rose in Titanic. Several seconds later, poor little Jack sinks to the bottom of the Atlantic…

An archaeologist is best husband a woman can have: the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”
Agatha Christie

– Women like silent men, they think they’re listening.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.”

Henry Youngman.

If a man is talking in the woods and no woman hears him… is he still wrong?

I love being married. It’s so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.


I fell in love at first sight… I should have looked twice.

Before marriage a man yearns for a woman after marriage the ‘y’ is silent .

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.
You order what you want then when you see what the other person has,
you wish you had ordered that.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher

. Socrates

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