Funny Love Letters

Funny Love Letter 1

Outside there are thousands of these maple “helicopter” seeds. they spin to the ground, antagonized by the wind. they hit the ground, nothing. they hit the grass, they stand up. more like they’re propped up by the harmless blades of grass. didn’t notice it till today. it’s like without these blades of grass they’d be nothing. you are, for me, those harmless blades of grass that prop me up when i need it. even when i don’t need it…
i feel this incredible lacking feeling for not knowing you sooner. the reasons go on and on like night and day: you make me a better person. you are a great person. you need company one of these days when you’re watching the sunset or sunrise or walking those streets at night. you need me. i need you…
angel in tears. i won’t rest or anything until it’s just angel. give me those tears, those memories. give me everything. superman can’t take away bad memories or tears or fears. forget superman. i just wish everything was great and i just wish i could see you smile or at least know you are smiling. and if it takes a hundred years of life and experiences and old age to make your acquaintance, if just to make you smile, to make me smile, i’ll wait until forever. all to change it to just angel…
on my computer, my favorite screensaver is the star field one. a billion stars a few feet away. the only thing separating me and space is a computer screen. a mundane obstacle. and i thought about how indescribable it’d be to pass through that computer screen and fly. join me? it’d take away all those memories that come back every time you’re not preoccupied. you wouldn’t have to fear anything. no one could catch you. not even those memories. c’mon. fly with me…
seems like every time you get hurt, every time one more reason comes along to cry, i care a little more. or maybe it just seems that way because of the severity of distance between happy and sad (even though it’s not that simple). like when that monster in monster clothing took away your peace for no good reason. and that’s why i wanted you to be safe, no matter by what means (police, friends, whatever). all i could do all day was worry about you and worry about those gashes on your skin and think about you. and who knew that i could care this much? i have changed because of you. like i hate the news more now because of all the bad news. and i worry more about people i don’t know. people who don’t know me. but it doesn’t matter because we all need saved every now and then. i care more about saving people because of you. i care more because of you…
let’s make a deal. every time someone hurts you, i’ll get hurt, too. every time you get burnt, i get burnt, too. every single time you hurt, i’ll hurt, too. every time you die a little, i’ll die a little, too. that way you’ll never be alone even in your darkest nighttime. deal? and i say this only because i mean it: thank you for everything…

sincerely, me

ps–i love you

Funny Love Letter 2

Dear Bertha,

I lack the bravery and endurance requisite to face you with my feelings, so I am writing this letter to you in the hopes that you can read it.

I remember the first time I saw you. I don’t know if I was attracted to you because of your radiant personality, your sunny disposition, or your gravitational pull. All I know is that once I got close to you, as much as I wanted to, I couldn’t leave.

And I think back to some of the trials and tribulations in our relationship. Like that time you tried on that thong bikinni you said you would look terrible in. I’m truely impressed by the bravery it took to even try it in light of how right you were.

And I know it makes you uncomfortable that I sometimes hang out with your ex, but your cousin and I hardly ever discuss you and when we do, it is always positive.

Every day while I am working in the sewage treatment plant, all I can think of is you. When I found that ring I gave to you floating through, I knew it must have been divine intervention that had kept us together so long.

When I talk to my friends about you, they all agree, you’re “a whole lot of woman”. I couldn’t have said it better myself.

With what I think is probably love,
Bryant

2 comments on “Funny Love Letters”

  1. Elaria Reply

    I’m not really sure why the first one counts as a “funny” love letter.
    It’s not even a love letter at all.
    It was something written when someone was going through a rough period in their lives.
    Pathetic that someone would post it here.

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