Now that You are Gone

I never said I love you. I should have, now I know. All along I thought I might lose you if I did. So, I kept it to myself. Now you are gone anyway and I realize that I never had anything to lose. So here goes, “I love you”. I made a mistake when I treated you the way I did. But, if you really cared, if this really meant anything to you, you wouldn’t have let it break us apart. Now I am left here feeling that I have spent time with and invested emotions in a man that was never really there. I wish you knew how this makes me feel. More so, I wish that you cared about how this makes me feel. I wish that you cared about me being gone. Maybe you do maybe you don’t. I will never know.

I have drawn my own conclusions about what this time we spent together really was to you. I believe that you never had any intention of developing a real relationship with me. This was a friendship to you. You enjoyed ‘Hanging out’. Did you think that I felt that same way? To me, this was not just a ‘thing’. I was not just ‘spending time’ with you. I cared for you. I fell in love with you. How could I not? You portrayed a nearly perfect man. You became special to me. I wish I could have controlled how I felt about you. I had a feeling that this was a bad idea. I should have stopped it a long time ago. I have so many ‘should haves’ going through my mind.

I love you, everything I know about you. I wanted to know so much more. I never will. I couldn’t control my heart. You may think that it is impossible for me to feel this way. It is not. Period. My heart was on its own schedule. It made the decision for me. Let me tell you some of the things that I love about you.

I love that you could make me smile in a way that no one ever has. You made me feel like a good person. You made me want to be a better person. I wanted to have a bigger heart and give more to others. You listened and offered advice. You held me when I needed it and just the way I needed it. When you looked at me I felt like the luckiest person in the world. It was enough for me just to be in a room with you, it didn’t matter where just as long as you were near. There was nowhere else I’d rather be. When I looked at you it filled my heart. I saw beauty inside and out. The sound of your voice and soft gentle kisses drove me crazy. You have a beautiful smile. I enjoyed your laid back demeanor and the talks that we had about anything and nothing. You accepted me and the things you knew about my life. You made me feel comfortable, as though I had found someone that could be my best friend. I felt safe with you. I was happy whenever I was with you, no matter what was going on or what we were doing. I love the way you are with Sasha. You’re gentle and sincere. It is obvious that when you care, you really care. I was so excited that one day you just might care for me, and if you ever did, I knew I was in for something wonderful. You are sweet, caring, helpful, sincere, honest, dependable, responsible, strong willed, determined, serious, silly, funny, genuine, unique, confident, hard working, beautiful, sexy, quick witted, thoughtful, intelligent, self assertive, directional, outgoing, social, easygoing, planning, forward thinking, concerned, stubborn, brave and persevering. You have the most amusing, cute, funny, sexy laugh. They say that laughter is the music of the heart. Your laugh was the music of my heart. You have the most wonderful voice. I just loved to listen to you speak. Regardless of what you were saying, I just wanted to hear you. There was so much that I was learning from you, so much I could have learned from you. I admire you. I have so much respect for you. I think so highly of you. I could go on and on. You are everything that I never knew I was looking for. If I was asked to describe the perfect man, it would be you.

The moment I met you I was blown away. I was drawn to you so strongly. I had never been drawn to anyone like that before. I was immediately curious about you. I felt that you were special right from the start. It does not matter that you do not feel the same. There are no conditions on love. And there are many variations. Love means different things to different people. You are in my heart. I will remember you. I know that I will move on and that everything will be fine. I’ll eventually meet the right person. That is the way it works. I will always be thankful for my time with you. It meant something to me. Even though you didn’t love me, it still means a lot to me that you chose to spend time with me. You let me into your home and into certain aspects of your life. You shared things with me, and even though it wasn’t for love, there was some reason that you did it. That is good enough for me.

I love you. I tell you again, because I do. I feel it. I know it. I can say it now because there is nothing left to lose. And even though it doesn’t matter, I need you to believe it because I feel that love is the best gift that you can give to a person. I give it to you and I want nothing in return. It does not matter that it is over or that it wasn’t meant to be. I am just glad that it happened. A few months together is better than never having known you at all.

In the end I ask that you not look down on me for mistakes that I have made. I think you know the person I really am. I hope that you will choose to remember me and the time we shared.

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